The Royle Family – Scripts Series 2 by Caroline Aherne & Craig Cash

Author:Caroline Aherne & Craig Cash [Aherne, Caroline & Cash, Craig]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 1999-12-31T23:00:00+00:00

Episode 5

Barbara’s Finally Had Enough

JIM IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR IN THE FRONT ROOM. THE DOORBELL RINGS.

Barbara:

(SARCY) Don’t worry about it, Jim, I’ll get it.

JIM GIVES A ‘WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW?’ LOOK. HE FLICKS THE REMOTE CONTROL, AN ANNOYED LOOK ON HIS FACE. WE DON’T SEE BARBARA AND DENISE – THEY GO STRAIGHT TO THE KITCHEN. DAVE GREETS BARBARA AND COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

Dave:

All right, Barbara.

Denise:

Hiya, Mam. Mam, what’s up with ya? Mam?

Dave:

All right, Jim.

Jim:

Hiya, Dave.

Dave:

What’s up with Barbara, Jim? She looks a bit upset -Denise’s gone in kitchen with her.

Jim:

There’s nothing wrong with her. It’s the menopause. The bloody change – do you know what, I’m up to there with it.

CUT TO BARBARA AND DENISE IN THE KITCHEN:

Barbara:

I’m just his bloody skivvy. It was worse when your nana was staying – I’d come home from work and that sink would be full of pots, they’d be fighting and I just wanted to get my coat on and go somewhere.

Denise:

Aah, Mam. He is just so lazy.

Barbara:

Well he hasn’t got any hobbies. I try and think of things for him to do. He does the crossword in the paper right, so I bought him a Puzzler the other day and he just went mad, he said I’d wasted £1.70 and he wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the night. It’s not a life this, it’s just a bloody existence.

Denise:

And he’s always got bits of food stuck in his beard.

Barbara:

Well he never has a wash.

CUT TO JIM AND DAVE IN THE FRONT ROOM:

Jim:

How long does it last, this change malarky?

Dave:

Dunno. Few years in’t it?

Jim:

Bloody ‘ell.

CUT TO DENISE AND BARBARA IN THE KITCHEN:

Barbara:

The only time he has a wash is when he goes to the doctor’s. He just sits there mouthing off in that chair. Another time I came in, your nana’s face was like thunder – he wouldn’t put her drops in.

Denise:

He is just so selfish.

Barbara:

Poor Antony, got no confidence – Jim’s knocked it all out of him, calling him a lanky streak of piss all the time.

Denise:

Well, well he has got a point there.

CUT TO JIM AND DAVE IN THE FRONT ROOM:

Jim:

Has your mum had her change yet?

Dave:

Dunno – she’s not said nowt.

CUT TO BARBARA AND DENISE IN THE KITCHEN:

Barbara:

You know, most of the time, most of the time I put up with it – while you two were growing up.

Denise:

Ah.

Barbara:

Now I don’t know why I’m here, Denise.

Denise:

Ah, Mam, ah. You could come and live with us. No you could.

Barbara:

Ah, Denise.

Denise:

‘Cause when that baby’s born I’m gonna be rushed off me feet. Ey.

CUT TO JIM AND DAVE IN THE FRONT ROOM:

Jim:

Tell you what, Dave, you should have seen her before. She’s gone too far this time.

Dave:

Why?

Jim:

Bang. She just switched the bloody telly off.

Dave:

No need for that.

Jim:

That’s what I mean.

CUT TO KITCHEN:

Denise:

Ah, ah. Do you like me new top?

CUT TO LIVING ROOM:

Jim:

I’m not one of them husbands that goes out every night. Admittedly I would be if I could afford it. I have two nights and one afternoon a week and it’s still not bloody good enough.

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